I fell in love with a narcissist

I fell in love with a narcissist.

He was self conscious, yet confident. He needed affirmation, yet couldn’t give it to others. He made me feel worthless, when all I tried to do was make him feel worthy.

For years after things ended I questioned myself about what I did wrong in the relationship. Why didn’t he show me the love I showed him? Why didn’t he want to do nice things for me or spend quality time with me when that’s all I wanted to do with him? Was I not good enough? Did he not love me?

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms and traits completely describe him and our relationship. No, he has not been diagnosed, I have self diagnosed him. It probably sounds really harsh to label someone with a disorder, but it is the only explanation I see for the way he treated me and toyed with my emotions for so many years, even when I tried to move on.

For those of you not familiar with this personality disorder, it can be described simply as someone who feels a sense of entitlement, may have trouble handling criticism, and have a combination of feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. To backfire at the individual’s own struggles in relation to these feelings, they often treat others with rage and attempt to make them feel inferior to make themselves feel better.

As you can imagine, and in most cases, being the closest person to him meant I was the one who copped ever hit of this. This resulted in my own personal feelings of insecurity, worthlessness, self-deprivation and depression.

The more I felt inferior, the more I seeked approval from him. Our relationship became so unhealthy to the point of me locking myself in his bathroom crying without him knowing, just so that I would avoid starting an argument for him to turn it around on me as he so often did, making me feel like my opinion was never valued and that I was stupid.

Not to toot my own horn, but I am an extremely giving, kind person, who naturally wants to do things for the people I care about. Not because I feel like I have to, but because when I care about someone, I want to see them happy. To me, he was the complete opposite. I never felt like he wanted to make me happy, see me smile, or make me feel special. I never wanted some grand gesture or gift, just something simple, small, literally anything to say ‘I appreciate you’.

For so long before we were together (in the ridiculous dragged out ‘seeing’ stage- ours which lasted 9 months), while we were together, and the number of stupid times I went back to him which never worked out, I never felt good enough. I felt like it was me, like I wasn’t worthy of someone’s love and affection. How could I love someone so much and want to do so much for them and them not want the same for me?

After recently, and stupidly going back to him AGAIN, and it not working out once AGAIN, I have closure. There is not a single bone in my body that wants to go near this person again. There is not a single ‘what if’ in my mind, questionability of worthiness or hope. I was this person’s puppet for years upon years, when I knew I did not deserve a single thing he had done to me, or feeling that he made me feel. But why did I keep going back? A question I tried to ask myself so many times and could not answer. Now I know.

So many of are not shy to the dating saying, “everybody loves a chase”. I can admit I am a sucker, well was definitely a sucker for it when I was younger, if a boy didn’t want me, if he played games with me, or if I just knew he was out of the question. But when and WHY did ‘the chase’ ever become a part of relationships? Relationships are supposed to be built on a mutual love, trust, understanding and care for one and other. So why the hell does it seem like in so many relationships, there is always one person that cares more? And they are always the person to pick up the pieces when everything starts to fall apart, or to bite their tongue in an argument just to avoid the agitation.

I see far too many girls around me in unhealthy, emotionally abusive, toxic relationships (just like I was), because they care far more than their partner does. Who would have ever thought caring ‘too much’ would be an issue for so many young girls today. And why the hell do so many young women put up with this? I’m not saying it is just females, I’m sure there are a lot of males out there in the same position, but from my experience, the whole idea of females having a more nurturing nature impacts prevalently on how they let themselves be treated.

As the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”. Fool me 1056 times and we must both be seriously f**ked up. I now know why I let myself be treated the way I did time and time again (pretty far down the track, I know, but I got there in the end). I had an undying sub-conscious need and want for approval, appreciation, affirmation and love from the one person who I gave my all to, when I never felt that in return. I was consumed by ‘the chase’ by a person who was supposed to care about me the way I cared about them, not someone who I should have needed to chase.

Recently, when I began seeing him again I knew that it was wrong; I didn’t have those feelings for him anymore. There was times when I would look at him and get a rage inside me about everything that had gone on between us in the past and literally think “I f**king hate this person”. So why did I ever go back there and why did I continue it? Well, all I wanted was for him to give me everything I felt I had given to him, and of course, it ended horribly wrong.

If someone didn’t care about you the way you needed them to once, they are never going to. It really is true that people never change. Sure, they might grow up and things might change slightly, but unless someone proves to you that things are really different, then they never will be.

I now know that I fell out of love with this person a long time ago, and that each time I went back I had personal feelings of self-doubt and a want for approval. I didn’t go back to this person because I wanted him. As frustrating as it was to be put in the same position once again, I am not upset, I am not hurt, I am liberated and I am free. Although a difficult lesson, it is one I truly needed to have the perspective I now have on him, myself and relationships. I now know what I want and need out of a partner and relationship, and he was the complete opposite. I will never let myself be consumed by ‘the chase’ in a relationship again and will only ever ensure I never let myself or someone else feel the way he made me feel ever again.