I fell in love with a narcissist

I fell in love with a narcissist.

He was self conscious, yet confident. He needed affirmation, yet couldn’t give it to others. He made me feel worthless, when all I tried to do was make him feel worthy.

For years after things ended I questioned myself about what I did wrong in the relationship. Why didn’t he show me the love I showed him? Why didn’t he want to do nice things for me or spend quality time with me when that’s all I wanted to do with him? Was I not good enough? Did he not love me?

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms and traits completely describe him and our relationship. No, he has not been diagnosed, I have self diagnosed him. It probably sounds really harsh to label someone with a disorder, but it is the only explanation I see for the way he treated me and toyed with my emotions for so many years, even when I tried to move on.

For those of you not familiar with this personality disorder, it can be described simply as someone who feels a sense of entitlement, may have trouble handling criticism, and have a combination of feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. To backfire at the individual’s own struggles in relation to these feelings, they often treat others with rage and attempt to make them feel inferior to make themselves feel better.

As you can imagine, and in most cases, being the closest person to him meant I was the one who copped ever hit of this. This resulted in my own personal feelings of insecurity, worthlessness, self-deprivation and depression.

The more I felt inferior, the more I seeked approval from him. Our relationship became so unhealthy to the point of me locking myself in his bathroom crying without him knowing, just so that I would avoid starting an argument for him to turn it around on me as he so often did, making me feel like my opinion was never valued and that I was stupid.

Not to toot my own horn, but I am an extremely giving, kind person, who naturally wants to do things for the people I care about. Not because I feel like I have to, but because when I care about someone, I want to see them happy. To me, he was the complete opposite. I never felt like he wanted to make me happy, see me smile, or make me feel special. I never wanted some grand gesture or gift, just something simple, small, literally anything to say ‘I appreciate you’.

For so long before we were together (in the ridiculous dragged out ‘seeing’ stage- ours which lasted 9 months), while we were together, and the number of stupid times I went back to him which never worked out, I never felt good enough. I felt like it was me, like I wasn’t worthy of someone’s love and affection. How could I love someone so much and want to do so much for them and them not want the same for me?

After recently, and stupidly going back to him AGAIN, and it not working out once AGAIN, I have closure. There is not a single bone in my body that wants to go near this person again. There is not a single ‘what if’ in my mind, questionability of worthiness or hope. I was this person’s puppet for years upon years, when I knew I did not deserve a single thing he had done to me, or feeling that he made me feel. But why did I keep going back? A question I tried to ask myself so many times and could not answer. Now I know.

So many of are not shy to the dating saying, “everybody loves a chase”. I can admit I am a sucker, well was definitely a sucker for it when I was younger, if a boy didn’t want me, if he played games with me, or if I just knew he was out of the question. But when and WHY did ‘the chase’ ever become a part of relationships? Relationships are supposed to be built on a mutual love, trust, understanding and care for one and other. So why the hell does it seem like in so many relationships, there is always one person that cares more? And they are always the person to pick up the pieces when everything starts to fall apart, or to bite their tongue in an argument just to avoid the agitation.

I see far too many girls around me in unhealthy, emotionally abusive, toxic relationships (just like I was), because they care far more than their partner does. Who would have ever thought caring ‘too much’ would be an issue for so many young girls today. And why the hell do so many young women put up with this? I’m not saying it is just females, I’m sure there are a lot of males out there in the same position, but from my experience, the whole idea of females having a more nurturing nature impacts prevalently on how they let themselves be treated.

As the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”. Fool me 1056 times and we must both be seriously f**ked up. I now know why I let myself be treated the way I did time and time again (pretty far down the track, I know, but I got there in the end). I had an undying sub-conscious need and want for approval, appreciation, affirmation and love from the one person who I gave my all to, when I never felt that in return. I was consumed by ‘the chase’ by a person who was supposed to care about me the way I cared about them, not someone who I should have needed to chase.

Recently, when I began seeing him again I knew that it was wrong; I didn’t have those feelings for him anymore. There was times when I would look at him and get a rage inside me about everything that had gone on between us in the past and literally think “I f**king hate this person”. So why did I ever go back there and why did I continue it? Well, all I wanted was for him to give me everything I felt I had given to him, and of course, it ended horribly wrong.

If someone didn’t care about you the way you needed them to once, they are never going to. It really is true that people never change. Sure, they might grow up and things might change slightly, but unless someone proves to you that things are really different, then they never will be.

I now know that I fell out of love with this person a long time ago, and that each time I went back I had personal feelings of self-doubt and a want for approval. I didn’t go back to this person because I wanted him. As frustrating as it was to be put in the same position once again, I am not upset, I am not hurt, I am liberated and I am free. Although a difficult lesson, it is one I truly needed to have the perspective I now have on him, myself and relationships. I now know what I want and need out of a partner and relationship, and he was the complete opposite. I will never let myself be consumed by ‘the chase’ in a relationship again and will only ever ensure I never let myself or someone else feel the way he made me feel ever again.

What I learnt growing up with older brothers

1. They will use you as their muse.
Anything and everything will be tried out on you before doing it themselves. For example, running into tree hedges dressed in snow gear.

2. Bringing home boys will never be a positive experience.
You think its bad enough having to introduce a boy to your dad? Try having four older brothers.

3. Despite what many may think, you will more than likely not grow up to be very tough.
Taking me out in waves and saying you will lift me over them, only for you to dive under them while I get taken out as you use me as a shield, will not make me tough. It will make me scared to go out past my ankles at the beach until the age of twelve.  Oh, this also counts for being held under water in the pool.

4. Pool is much more fun when you’re actually playing it and not just tied to the pool table.
Or washing line.

5. Mattresses and sleeping bags being pulled out does not mean a sleep over is about to happen, but that you are about to be flung down the stairs on a not so smooth slippery dip.

6. You will have an extremely dirty mind.
Of course, because you’re the youngest and the only girl, when your parents (and even the brothers who taught you this sort of stuff) hear it come out of your mouth, you will instantly hear “what the hell is wrong with you?”

7. They will blurt out all the things they know they did when they were younger in front of my parents, presuming I’m doing the same.
Also, so much for cool older brothers to buy you alcohol at 15. I learnt my lesson the first time.

8. You will get told “you’re not going out of the house wearing that” practically every day.
What do you mean I can’t wear shorts in summer?

9. They will be extremely OVER protective.
Compliments will never come out of their mouth and they will say the rudest, meanest things to you. But if someone else speaks to you badly, they better watch out. Oh, and apparently no guy will ever be good enough for me.

10. You will quickly realise that hanging around guys creates much less drama.
Having older brothers has honestly made me get along better with guys. (Insert girl with sausages in her mouth meme here).

11. You’re likely to get worse at things like sport as you get older.
You’d think you’d be an awesome athlete having brothers, right? Wrong. The pegging of balls, tackling and pushing has now meant that I’m not only scared, but also super uncoordinated. I can barely catch a ball, thanks boys.

12. They seem to think its okay for them to leave shaven facial hair all over the sink.

But if I leave a tampon wrapper somewhere I’m DISGUSTING!

13. You will be used as a punching bag.

14. As you get older and the age and maturity gaps are not as far of a stretch anymore, you will appreciate them more than ever.
Cheers for all the torture, the dirty mind, the over protectiveness, the dobbing, and the laughs. Oh, and I can probably attribute my excessive drinking to you guys too.

Pulling down the bars on smoking in jails

Published on: http://cruwsible.com.au/western-sydney-university-pulling-down-the-bars-on-smoking-in-jail/

With the NSW jails heading into their third month of being smoke-free zones, questions are being raised about the discriminatory nature of the ban.

The smoking ban was implemented over a period of eighteen months in which Corrective Services and Justice Health workers worked in conjunction. They discussed the effects it would have not only on inmates, but also staff.

The NSW Government put the smoking ban into place in August, only one month after the ban was introduced in Victoria. There was much hesitation from the government about the ban, after the riots it sparked in Victorian jails. NSW Corrective Services believed that through the discussion of the implementation of the non-smoking programs, NSW would see a more successful outcome.

The government’s main aim was to reduce second-hand smoke, protect the health of prison staff, and reduce mortality among prisoners. However, unlike Victorian prisons, NSW prisons have designated smoking areas for prison staff. Inmates believe that the acceptance of smoking from staff is discriminatory, but has also eliminated what was communicated to them as the main purpose of the ban.

Prison workers and inmates are not the only ones not completely on board with the ban. NSW Policeman, Grant Morrissey said that illegal substances should be the primary concern of the NSW Government.

“The current ice epidemic in the state is leading to heightened crime rate, and therefore, full prisons,” said Mr Morrissey.

“Nationally, twice as many people are using the drug ice in Australia than a few years ago.”

Nurse at Parklea Prison, Sue Howlett said that over the past few months she has noticed that the ban has been especially hard on new inmates. She said that cigarettes are often a way to help people coming into jail as some are mentally unwell and detoxing from other substances. Prison staff often used cigarettes to encourage new inmates to cooperate due to them being a legal substance, which could be bought in jails.

The ban came after many other countries had shown to be successful, with NZ prisons now being completely smoke-free environments. However, according to the Australian Council on Smoking and Health, 79 per cent of Australian prisoners smoke, compared to 67 per cent of NZ prisoners.

NSW prisons hold a number of education days and interviews with inmates to accommodate for the high number of smokers, in hope they wish to participate in non-smoking programs. They are then able to begin nicotine replacement therapy (NRT), in which all fresh custodies are given the same opportunity, which will continue in the future.

However, Sue said that inmates are now melting down the nicotine patches they have been given and mixing it with tea leaves to smoke it.

“This is much more toxic than the actual tobacco, with the glue in the patches making a number of inmates sick.”

Sue has been dealing first hand with inmates during the smoking ban, and although a stressful task, she believes that illegal drugs are a primary issue which should be the main focus in many NSW prisons. Her responsibilities as a prison nurse include dealing with general primary health and conducting of health assessments, as well as attending to emergencies and documentation of patient files to ensure continuity of care once inmates are released.

“This smoking ban has shed light on the amount of inmates sharing injecting equipment which then causes transmission of diseases,” said Sue.

“As a nurse, the last thing I want to see on top of that is the health risks associated with the making of their own cigarettes, especially with the knowledge that prison staff may be smoking just outside their confinement.”

Sue, who is a smoker herself, said that prior to the ban being implemented, there was already much resentment from inmates for prison staff being able to smoke freely.

Sue has used this ban as an opportunity to quit the habit and support the inmates in their programs as much as possible.

“There is a support system in place to assist the prisons with quitting, where staff can only seek ongoing help” said Sue.

The ban has impacted on staff in varying ways, with some deciding to quit or reduce their intake, whereas others have taken offence, believing they are being forced into doing something.

While Australia sees a continuance of illegal substances leading to increased crime rate, full rehabs and full jails, NSW prisons will remain on stand by for riots during the implementation stages of the smoking ban.

Save our Rhinos

I can personally admit that I have been completely unaware of the amount of animal cruelty that occurs all over the world. Maybe even more than that, I’ve decided to turn a blind eye to it due to the confronting and heartbreaking nature. The increase in social media content being forced upon my Facebook news feed has seen me squinting and scrolling straight past the horrifying imagery. I’ve often told people to stop posting such explicit, gut wrenching things on social media, as I simply don’t want to see it.

But recently it has come to my attention that the social stigma around this and how we perceive it as disgusting is what is adding to the ignorance of such issues. Of course it is a confronting issue that many of us don’t want to be thrown in our face because it makes us feel ill, but that is why we need to take a stand and choose to create awareness rather than ignore it.

Towards the end of 2014, my brother and his girlfriend began working in Glen Afric National Park in South Africa. The pair began their travels in Europe before heading to South Africa on a volunteer program. After two and a half months, they were offered a paid position at the park for six months. They grasped this once in a lifetime opportunity with both hands and have loved every single moment.

My brother, Rob is possibly the most immature, hilarious, childish 25-year-old you will ever meet, but he has the kindest heart, which has come even more to my attention since he has been over in South Africa. Every time I have spoken to him, and his girlfriend, Morgan since they’ve been over there, I have undoubtedly noticed their constant sense of excitement, and somewhat spiritual nature.

During their volunteer program at the park, I was sent photo after photo of the two of them casually hanging out with lions cubs laying on top of them and taking ‘selfies’ with elephants. I also vividly remember Rob telling me that he learnt a lion call, which calls all the male lions to the fence where he strokes their manes. The 5:30am wake ups haven’t been hard for the pair when they’re welcomed with bottle-feeding lion cubs in their arms. Amongst other things, there are wild roaming giraffes, ostriches, donkeys, zebras and warthogs.

On the 26th July, 2014, Rob sent me a photo of ‘Isabella’, a giant rhinoceros at the park. Isabella was Morgan’s favourite animal at Glen Afric. Rob referred to the rhino that they visit 5-6 times a day as a ‘big cutie’ that loves a good horn rub. Isabella would often come up to the fence just to see them, she was completely at peace with humans and Morgan absolutely adored this magnificent creature.

It is no secret to many that animals in South Africa are hunted, with many professional hunters allowing you to pay to come with them to hunt these ‘trophy animals’.

On September 7, Rob and Morgan heard gunshots in the middle of the night and prayed that their beautiful rhino was safe. Isabella’s enclosure was just 20 metres from where everyone stays and upon knowing it was a possibility, they stayed inside while the farm manager, Francois went out with his gun.

Isabella had been killed for her horn. The beautifully, innocent, gentle creature that they had become so fond of had her life taken due to someone else’s selfishness and greed. Isabella was the only rhino at Glen Afric and it wasn’t long before it was known that the 12 men that killed her had been planning the attack for months. The 12 men, all carrying AK47 rifles marked entry levels around the fence lines and watched and waited until all the volunteers and workers in the park had gone to bed before they cut off Isabella’s face and left.

This type of treatment occurs daily all around the world and everyone at Glen Afric can only be thankful that the elephants, which were right near Isabella, remained untouched.

Rob and Morgan and all their friends at Glen Afric continue to remain heartbroken after the loss of beautiful Isabella, but did not taking a step back to mourn. The pair set a fund up after many hours of protesting against animal poaching. The fund aimed to raise awareness and funds for a Rhino breeding project and secure housing at Glen Afric National Park in South Africa. The extinction of the majestic creatures needs to be fought so that no more rhinos suffer the same fate as poor Isabella.

100% of the proceeds of the campaign went towards the project. An amazing amount of $10,000 USD was raised which went to the BEST fund (Breeding of Endangered Species Trust).

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/save-our-rhinos–2

These animals still need your voice to stand up for their rights. Put an end to the statistics, which state that by 2023, this species will cease to exist, celebrate the wild and volunteer today.

Watch Rob and Morgan’s story and get inspired to volunteer at Glen Afric today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4db6oz6dWM

Volunteer today: http://www.glenafric.co.za/gave.html

“It is a once in a lifetime opportunity that has shaped how I live today”, said Morgan.

Online dating or online judging?

As I look up I see him sitting there, eyes and hands glued to his stupid iPhone like his life depends on it. But then I realised, I only just looked up to notice this, and that’s because I was doing the exact same thing, scrolling and refreshing Instagram and Facebook over and over again. We came out to have a nice, romantic dinner and without even realising we’re both sitting here not speaking, not enjoying the environment around us, not enjoying each others company, and barely noticing if our meals are even up to scratch. As I sit there basking in my own thoughts I ask him what he’s doing, and of course the predictable ‘oh nothing’ answer leaves is lips as he chucks his phone on the table. But that’s when I begin to question and doubt our relationship even more. We’re sitting here blank struggling to find words to say to each other, and no not because we’re quiet, boring people, but because our smart phones have become our primary means of social interaction. More thoughts begin to flood my mind, what if he is talking to another girl, texting an ex? That is when I realise the obsession modern day society has over technology and the damaging affect it is having on not only our face to face social interactions, but our relationships and the key values of trust and honesty.

How many of us can honestly say we have never sat there on our phones while pretending to listen to someone, nodding our heads cluelessly as we sit their infatuated with the latest Instagram ‘selfie’ that hot guy or girl posted, or adding clothes to our basket only to go to the checkout and realise we do not have a spare $500. However, even more than this I began questioning the further affects technology has on relationships and it got me thinking about online dating. Could online dating be the outcome of our insistent reliability on technology? I have begun to question whether online dating is the result of struggling to find someone naturally compatible in person or whether it is the easy way out for many. Sure, there are a lot of perks that come with online dating and a lot of lasting relationships but has it started to become a lazy, easy way to meet somebody for the younger generation? It’s no secret that people can sit behind a screen and type whatever they like, without thinking about the tone in which it’s interpreted or whether or not they would actually say this to someone face to face. So how is it ever really a good thing that one can form a relationship based on text with no expression and possibly too much thought. I’m sure many of us can agree that the first date can generally be quite uncomfortable and awkward; that small talk and general “what do you do for a living” questions. But the issue I foresee behind online dating is the rate at which it moves forward in comparison to a face to face relationship. Sure these first few dates might build up nerves for days leading up to it and you might not get a real insight into what the person is truly like at first, but aren’t these interactions all part of getting to know the person.

Counselor, Ania Konarzewski said that “the latest technology is great when it comes to some aspects of relationships, but on the other hand, we are becoming much too reliable on this form.” She explained that the reliability of technology is what is affecting our social interactions, rather than the use of technology itself.

Gemille Cribb from Equilibrium Psychology said that she has frequently encountered not only relationship issues, but personal issues when it comes to online dating. “Online dating can exacerbate anxiety around dating because there is a lot of ambiguity” said Gemille. “For example, you can ‘over-interpret’ written communication and have the ability to ‘check’ (e.g. when the person has last been on the site etc). This allows people with a pre-disposition to do so, to think the worst.”

“There can also be difficulties in that people have a lot of options available to them and as such may not commit to any one person as quickly or easily. Another difficulty can be when someone is led to believe (on purpose or inadvertently) that their date is someone they are not.”

Chelsea (20) (*name changed for publication) has only been using dating app ‘Tinder’ for the past couple of months and said “it originally started off as a joke with a friend after we both broke up with our boyfriends.” However, it was not long before she came across a guy who she would rather keep anonymous, that she thought maybe something fun could actually come from this. Mr. anonymous (who we’ll call Jack for the sake of embarrassing him publicly), began talking to Chelsea after the pair ‘matched’ on the dating app. The thing is, the app only allows you to see the person’s name, age, and a few photos when deciding if you want to ‘like’ them or ‘pass’ them; pretty shallow, right?

Chelsea said that after talking for awhile on the app, the pair exchanged numbers and began texting and not long after she thought “wow, I actually might like this guy.” “We realised we lived pretty close to each other and had plenty of mutual friends so I wasn’t worried that he was some creep”.

However, Chelsea said it all “went down hill” when the pair met up. “He was a great guy, really nice (probably too nice), good looking, great sense of humour, but there was just one problem…” “After the second time of meeting him he got really clingy and started saying things like he loved me and began talking about getting married and having kids.”

Now, obviously this isn’t some disaster story like the one’s you may have seen on the TV show ‘Catfish’, but Chelsea said it was enough to turn her off ever going back on the app. “It was quite disappointing, I found a really nice guy that I loved talking to over technology, but as soon as we met up he was so full on and kind of scared me off”.

On the other hand, RSVP is Australia’s number 1 dating site with over 1,200 new profiles every day. So Online Dating mustn’t be all that bad, right? Fairfax figures show that 51 percent of people have tried online dating or would consider it an option in finding love. However, when we compare this to Chelsea’s story, one can come to the conclusion that age is likely to play a vital role in the succuss of online dating. This is evident in a study done by researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and Cornell University, in which it was found that 80 percent of people who date online lie about their height, weight or age, and a study done by BeautifulPeople.com found that the older you are, the less likely you are to fib.

Now if I could give online daters one piece of advice, it would be to take every person into consideration when it comes to a potential compatibility. Gemille said that for some people the dangers are ‘choosing with their head’. She said that online daters tend to do too much filtering out of people who may well be nice people or good matches because they don’t meet the ‘check boxes’ in their head.

However, I leave one question unanswered. Is it really appropriate to test our compatibility and success with someone based on dating sites online features and pricing options?

Strong not skinny

Over the past decade, the commercial health and fitness industry has undergone a complete transformation. When muscly women and eating protein-fuelled meals were once looked down upon, these have now become almost a religion for some. Stepping away from the traditional method of weightloss, cardiovascular training, females of all ages are reaching for the weights – with resistance training only becoming more popular every year.

According to Women’s Health, women previously valued non-competitive physical activities such as walking, aerobics and swimming. The subjection of pressures to be thin for women once played on unhealthy obsessions with body image and weight concern. However, many women now thrive off the combination of mental and physical challenge, involving both accomplishment and progress.

Katy McGregor, female bodybuilder and personal trainer at Millennium Health Club Waitara, said that she believes women have become much more confident training in a gym format in the last five years.

“It has become much more widely accepted for girls to lift and be seen in the weights area of the gym than a few years ago when women were pigeon hold to ‘cardio bunnies’, with that being seen as the only acceptable training method for women to do.”

CrossFit Defined defines CrossFit as a core strength and conditioning program that performs functional movements, which are constantly varied at high intensity.

Katy said that CrossFit has assisted in the transition by providing a platform for both sexes to work a combination of cardiovascular and strength training without stereotypes focusing on aesthetics and focusing more on performance than anything else.

Founder of CrossFit, Greg Glassman said that CrossFit works on the ability of as many domains of fitness as possible, with an increase in work capacity through broad time and modal domains, measuring average power.

According to Mike from CrossFit Prototype, CrossFit began in 1995 in Santa Cruz, attracting men in law enforcement and former marines. Initially women stayed away because they were worried they would bulk up or that they simply could not do the workout. However, with CrossFit now maintaining 5,000 affiliates worldwide, women account for 40 per cent of members.

So why have women conformed to a type of training that amplifies power and strength? According to the Women’s Heart Foundation, high levels of estrogen make it very difficult for women to become overly muscular, and therefore the results of CrossFit are much more firming, feminine and toning.

Katy, who is now 21, said that she got into training when she first left school. She fell in love with the changes that her body was making as she felt very toned and muscular but not bulky. After training hard for a few months, she began trying CrossFit.

“It has the ability to make you feel tired but energised. It is undoubtedly addictive.”

Nick Fuentes, athlete and coach as CrossFit Chatswood said that even as a male, when he did his first CrossFit session at 15, it obliterated him and didn’t align with his ‘fitness goals’ at the time.

“I was much too concerned with aesthetics and not general fitness.”

Upon finishing school, Nick’s ideas on fitness and body image changed. He became certified in CrossFit and is now a part-time coach who also trains himself with this methodology, competing in the 2014 Crossfit Regionals.

There are a higher number of females than males that train regularly at Nick’s CrossFit box, which is a training gym for CrossFit.

“There has been an excelled increase in the area of resistance training for women, as well as more CrossFit female gyms opening globally.”

However, Nick and Katy both agree that there are still negative stereotypes around female bodybuilders, specifically with the impact of media and what was previously portrayed as ‘good looking’ in societal norms. However, the previously male dominated atmosphere has seen gradual movements that never would have been previously explored by the female cohort, due to women conforming to societal views surrounding slim being perceived as the ideal body shape.

The change in promotion of resistance training for women and the increased research into the physiological and psychological benefits of resistance training are what Nick believes have heightened the female involvement in CrossFit.

“I think that the previous stigma associated with women in the gym has gone out the door. I find that women I speak to in the gym, and even men on their opinions of women are more centred on the ‘strong not skinny’ appeal of women in today’s society.”

According to the Healthline, a study in The Journal of Strength and Conditioning Research found that women who did an hour of resistance training burned about 100 calories more the day following their workout than they did when they avoided this type of training.

Katy said that with the increase in research in to the benefits of resistance training, more achievable categories for competitors have been established for women to retain their femininity and appeal.

“From my experience as a female competitor and Personal Trainer, I have noticed the perception of women and resistance training in the gym has taken a much more accepted approach by other women and men.”

According to CrossFit Forging Elite Fitness, over the last 5 years there has been more than double an increase in women’s competitors in the CrossFit Games.

Both Katy and Nick believe that the increase in female CrossFit Games Competitors as well as Crossfit gyms around the globe will continue to change women’s previous perceptions of body image and that the previous commentary from men to women such as “don’t get too bulky” will gradually fade.

Word of mouth has been a key factor at Nick’s particular CrossFit box in Chatswood, which he believes will continue to grow.

“I have seen an increase in encouragement for more women to join and participate in WOD’s, a workout of the day that many boxes emulate, which are heavily based around resistance training and I think it is only going to continue.”

Tribute to the Passionate

Tribute to the Passionate

 

“I was like: Fuck, I could die. We could all die, at any time. Why the hell am I wasting my time? I’m just going to do what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don’t need money.”

-Grimes (Claire Boucher)

That’s the thing; a part of me did die that day. But a part of me came to life.

He had ashy brown hair with a smile that lit up the room, an aura that made anyone around him feel like they were in the presence of someone who was deemed to be successful. He was the type of person you would just meet and you would feel an instant connection with, the type of person that gave every person he came in to contact with the time of day and showed a genuine interest in whatever they had to say. He would offer the best advice on the smallest things, and even if it seemed like he was just telling you what you wanted to hear, he made you feel as though he was completely spot on. He was a true gentleman in every sense of the word, a rare find at only twenty years of age. He would open the door for you, insist on paying, ensure he was on the roadside of the footpath, and check up on you every five minutes just to make sure you were okay. Along with all these genuine characteristics, he was a stubborn, hilariously lame guy. He would make you laugh by doing the stupidest things anyone else would be embarrassed to do. The stories he would exclaim and the facts he would admit to everyone and anyone were cringe worthy but something that he was hilariously known for. But more than this, his passion for what he wanted to do and more truthfully, his passion for life was an inspiration to everyone who had the pleasure of knowing him.

On September 23, 2013 at approximately 7:45pm Jayden Blake Hammond, a twenty year old student pilot was flying solo to get his night hours up, when his plane came down and he lost his life. Jayden moved from his Kellyville home in Sydney to Hamilton for his piloting and was only months away from completing his cadetship before his tragic accident.

I was woken on September 24, 2013 by constant phone calls. As I looked at the time to realise it was about 7am I was confused as to why two of my good friends were calling me so early. I called my friend, Jac back to hear his voice shaky and panicked as he told me to check another friend’s Facebook status. I assured Jac that it was a joke and tried to calm him before calling back my other friend, Jamie. The news I received would change my life forever. As Jamie was in hysterics I tried to make out what she was saying, “Jayden’s gone Ang”, and I remember practically yelling at her that it wasn’t true. I hung up the phone and could barely breathe. Gasping for air I woke my mum up and before long my priority was getting in contact with Jayden’s close friends before they woke up to also see it on Facebook. Mum tried to calm me down as I rushed around just trying to contact people. I needed to call Chloe and Max. They were on holiday in Thailand and with the time difference I was so frightened to know that they would wake up to see it on social media before anyone had the chance to tell them. My boyfriend at the time was also away. The phone call I had to make to him, as well as to another friend, Amelia was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I can still so clearly hear his voice saying to his friends “I have to leave, Ang’s best friend has died.” I think that’s when it hit me, hearing him say it just like that.

That day made me question everything about life, and more importantly existence. As I walked through a place I had walked through hundreds of times before, I felt like a completely different person in a completely different environment. Scratch that, as ridiculous as it sounds, I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. I was the spotlight in a place full of people. They had no idea what I was going through, what everyone who knew him was going through, they were just going about their daily lives, just living without the mere recognition of our privilege of existence. Each day we wake, go about our everyday lives, surrounded by people in the public we have no contact with, no connection, no understanding. But what if we were to consider every little upset, or heartbreak or loss going on in every stranger’s life? What if we could offer them a smile or ask them how their day was, just because.

I look around at this world, these people all part of a bigger picture that we remain unconcerned about as we cruise through every day, but what if that was all about to be taken away, in a split second. What if everything we were familiar with was pulled out from underneath us with no warning?

The only way to describe death is fucked up. Simple as that. The gut wrenching feeling, the trauma, the confusion, the unfairness, the question-ability, the regret, the dwell, it’s all just f u c k e d u p.

How do you bring yourself to stop questioning everything about your life for the rest of your existence after you lose someone close to you? Why does it take an experience like that for someone to step back and re-evaluate their life?

We are born, and we die. That is life. We exist in each day, but only few of us truly live.

We can’t go about our lives scared of every step we take, or every decision we make. In fact, we need to do the complete opposite because the reality is, we could die tomorrow and we need to make the most of this blessing of life. What if you died tomorrow and you had the ability to reflect on your entire life? Would you be proud of yourself and your achievements? Would you look at yourself and say I have no regrets? Would you look back and say I was completely happy, there is absolutely nothing else I could have done at my age?

Yeah, it makes you appreciate every one around you more, but when is it time to appreciate yourself? The answer is now. Be selfish, be kind, be generous, be greedy, contradict yourself in the way you live, because that is the only way to succeed. At the end of the day, you go to sleep in your own mind, your own body, and your own spirit. You could die tomorrow, and memories are memories, but if you can manage to leave an imprint in people’s lives, that is something that cannot be taken away.

Jayden has impacted on my life in a way I never thought possible, not only in his death but during the twenty amazing years he lived. I have never met someone so kind hearted, so dedicated, and so full of life at such a tender age. His legacy will live on through everyone that knew him.

R.I.P Jayden Hammond, until we meet again, up in the skies where you longed to be.

In my heart every second of every day. I love you.

“I’ll be flying.”
– Jayden Blake Hammond

The following song is one extremely close to my heart. After Jayden passed, I was driving to my boyfriend at the times house when I put an app on my phone on shuffle. The app had thousands of songs and would land on a completely random choice. I couldn’t believe it when the words of this song resonated through me and when I got to my boyfriends house played it over and over to make sure I was hearing it right. I honestly felt at the time, and still do, that it was Jayden sending me a message. Have a listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_H77Ledl_I

Another great watch as well…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=BOksW_NabEk